I'm at a new chapter in my life, after 27 years of marriage, and 24 years of parenting, where I am alone on a Saturday morning. I was soaking up the Autumn sun, and colours - the artist in me wondering at each moment what colours I'd mix together to capture the lush grass, the turning trees, the dramatic sky. As I passed each individual or group, I noticed my relationship to them - what I observed, what feelings arose, my desire to connect, my mild sense of loss as I carried on walking. It's a constant cycle of approach, connection and letting go - extraordinary. An ever changing drama - with all of us present being the participants in the drama. This might sound melodramatic, but living with awareness means feeling alive to the subtle changes that occur with each setting - and letting them go in order to be present to the next one.
At one point I felt lonely, with the thought, 'God-knows' why I'm alive, what is my purpose now? I trundled on feeling the weight and enormity of this huge existential question! I decided it was too big a question to ask myself on my morning walk. After all, I'd set out to nourish myself with fresh air, autumn colours and being amongst others in the world.
It came to me - if the emphasis was God knows why I'm alive, I could change my whole experience. I suddenly felt lighter, unburdened by the need to know at this stage. I'm sure I will find a new purpose, but feeling down by not knowing was no help at all. My spiritual energy is a much kinder, compassionate environment for my humanness than my sometimes over-critical mind. This is free will. To be kind to myself, in every moment. That way I do have a purpose - to be a cheery soul which keeps me connected to others. Needless to say I felt more upbeat, enough to pop into the cathedral on my way home, and glad to stop and chat with two people working there. One is under half my age and he and I had an inspiring conversation and resolved to keep swopping ideas about how to attract more of his age-group to the wonderful, uplifting building. This could be why I'm alive, who knows? .... God only knows. (sorry, couldn't resist!).