The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, in his first Christmas message over 10 years ago, focussed on the power of trust.  What a huge creative and empowering resource it is, and how we abandon it at our peril.    I've never forgotten it - and maybe because, deep down,  it struck a chord I couldn't hear but was there within me:  I didn't trust myself, others or God.    It's taken me till now to fully make the connection!

Yet again, I felt my victim, poor me, consciousness as I felt sorry for myself.  I recognise the tone, a slight inner whine, as if life shouldn't be as it is. mine or others.    I was doing my morning energy exercises and was tracking the myriad of feelings rising to the surface as I move my energy round my body.  My morning exercises, based on Donna Eden's daily energy routine,  a dash of yoga and enhanced by David Morelli's Enwaken visualisations,  is my morning constitutional to smooth out my energy circuits for the day, just as I would brush my hair, or clean my teeth.  Given the chance, the body is miraculous at cleaning out what's no longer needed.

It occurred to me this morning, that it is really logical for people who've grown up with challenging childhoods to have a victim consciousness.  If grim things are happening to you,   why wouldn't you think there is something wrong with you?  That you don't know how to do being alive without it being painful?

The invitation from our higher selves is to rise above the story of our lives, and feel grateful for what we do have, and focus on being present in our lives, and see how we can help others along the way.    The miracle though is that the universe reflects to you all the hurt parts of you that need healing... so if you've experienced a lot of loss, and were unable to fully heal, the chances are you will attract circumstances that open the wound again, so you can fully heal it.    We're on a healing journey, even though it's painful.  

I'll give you an example.  I'd been given a beautiful diamond ring for my 50th birthday.  I loved it.   One day I looked down and saw that one of the main diamonds had fallen out, and it looked like a witch's mouth gaping at me, with missing teeth.  I was distraught and furious.   How could this be happening to me?  Couldn't I have anything that I really adored?   I was on a group call that night, and one guy said, all I can hear is loss and anger - does that resonate at all with you?  In that moment I knew, what I was not bringing  fully to my foreground, was that it was a year since my dear friend of 30 years had taken her life, and that I was minimising my feelings.     Losing the ring made the connection and I felt into the depth of them.  It was a reminder that hidden hurts cannot be ignored,  in the same way you can't lock a troublesome child in a cupboard just because they are being annoying!  Our inner children need all the love and compassion we can give them.

So my insight today, is that we are on a hero/ine's journey in our lives, as we navigate the circumstances that apparently happen to us.  The act of faith is that we have signed up for this healing journey by coming into the world, and that we are developing the inner tools and strength, with the help of others along the way.  And by sharing our loves and losses with others, we can heal others, too.

If you'd like to have company on your hero's journey, do get in touch.  Also I'd love to hear any insights you might have prompted by this post as a comment below.

  

My jaw was tight - do I go for a morning walk or do I paint?  I checked in with my inner guidance.  It was clear - paint.  Hmmm what to paint - my habitual circles?  I'm beginning to tire of them, but I also know that I enjoy doing them.  I put on my palate a generous helping of red, blue, yellow and white.  The primary colours - I like to start a-fresh.    I ponder (but not for too long!)
Green, shades of green, the greens I see in nature., that I'd have seen on my walk.   I had the background painted already.  The big circles came together easily but didn't hit the spot.  I added some dots, green snow to jazz it up a bit, rebel a little...  nothing more to add, but something was missing for me.   Here it is.  

What next?  I had load of green paint - in it's various shades and I knew mixing it up roughly together would be a satisfying background.    I was right.  It felt good having the streaks of all the colours coming through as I covered the sheet, completely.  Here it is ... a background ready for another day...

Now what?  I had a huge blob of red - untouched - and the remnants of the green.  I was not going to waste it, so I mixed them all in together.  Now, that hit the spot.  A deep Chinese lacquer red that was most satisfying - and there was just enough to cover another sheet.  My jaw was relaxed now,  I was in the present:  my breath steady, my heart full, and I feel as if I've done something.  

What is this sense of doing, sense of satisfaction?  Nothing more than being in the zone of creativity.  It would be wonderful if my product was valuable to the world, but in the meantime, I'm going to continue painting.  It's better than drinking, eating or seeking another self-development course in the hope that I reach the spot that I'm looking for.  The one that wants to be itched, satisfied. 

Paint works for me -  what works for you?  Where do you get into the zone that gives your mind a rest?  It doesn't have to be useful - the purpose is to feel , if only for a moment,  the stirrings of inner satisfaction.    I'd love to know, it inspires me hearing from you -  so do leave a comment below.  

Emphasis is everything.  Working in broadcasting, the stress on each word changes the whole dynamic of the experience.   I was reflecting on this on my morning walk, watching all the different groups in the park go about their activities - parents with buggies, adults with or without dogs or a partner, football games attended by enthusiastic parents,  runners, cyclists - all ages.  

I'm at a new chapter in my life, after 27 years of marriage, and 24 years of parenting, where I am alone on a Saturday morning.    I was soaking up the Autumn sun, and colours - the artist in me wondering at each moment what colours I'd mix together to capture the lush grass, the turning trees, the dramatic sky.  As I passed each individual or group, I noticed my relationship to them - what I observed, what feelings arose,  my desire to connect,  my mild sense of loss as I carried on walking.  It's a constant cycle of approach, connection and letting go - extraordinary.   An ever changing drama - with all of us present being the participants in the drama.   This might sound melodramatic, but living with awareness means feeling alive to the subtle changes that occur with each setting - and letting them go in order to be present to the next one. 

At one point I felt lonely, with the thought, 'God-knows' why I'm alive, what is my purpose now?   I trundled on feeling the weight and enormity of this huge existential question!  I decided it was too big a question to ask myself on my morning walk.  After all, I'd set out to nourish myself with fresh air, autumn colours and being amongst others in the world.  

It came to me - if the emphasis was God knows why I'm alive,  I could change my whole experience. I suddenly felt lighter, unburdened by the need to know at this stage.  I'm sure I will find a new purpose,  but feeling down by not knowing was no help at all.  My spiritual energy is a much kinder, compassionate environment for my humanness than my sometimes over-critical mind.  This is free will.  To be kind to myself, in every moment.  That way I do have a purpose - to be a cheery soul which keeps me connected to others.   Needless to say I felt more upbeat, enough to pop into the cathedral on my way home, and glad to stop and chat with two people working there.   One is under half my age and he and I had an inspiring conversation and resolved to keep swopping ideas about how to attract more of his age-group to  the wonderful, uplifting building.   This could be why I'm alive, who knows?  .... God only knows.  (sorry, couldn't resist!).